Rule Book 1.0

It is difficult to be dead in a culture and economy that depends on our aliveness and wellbeing. Our human condition is a legal status. I have been part of expected deaths and hospice circumstances more than a handful of times. There is usually time to say goodbye, and begin to grieve before the person has taken their last breath. Not that the time is ever enough nor does it prepare you for an existence where that person is not. There is not a preparation adequate nor can we ever truly be ready when it comes.

Yet, when the death is expected due to a terminal illness, the business end of death is more likely to have been addressed. It is possible to tend to end of life plans: write a will, name the executor, and make known burial/service wishes. Usually, since the cause of death in hospice circumstances is apparent, autopsies are not required. These things are not always true, but have been for most of my friends who have had long illnesses.  

However, when someone dies unexpectedly and suddenly outside of medical care, their death can be a bit more cumbersome. Autopsies are most often required. End of life preparation is not always complete, up-to-date, or accurate. Family members may not have discussed their personal wishes regarding the type of burial they prefer or how they want to be honored after death. 

Make a plan for yourself. Tell someone about that plan. And, it is best to have it done in a legally binding document. Get your affairs in order and have a will. Keep a list of passwords, codes, and combinations in a safe place where someone you trust can find them. Try not to leave messes or less than clear instructions. Sometimes, some families get ugly about things. Clear intentions done through proper channels make family fusses less likely, at least in terms of inheritances. 

There are many options when it comes to burial. Some are extravagant and expensive and some (like green burial or cremation) are simple and reasonable. Know what matters to you, and let your loved ones know. If you want a destination departure from this world that spares no expense, leave a pile of money to ensure that happens. Talking about the inevitable will not make death happen more or less quickly. It will help your loved ones make guilt-free choices on your behalf without leaving them wondering if they did the right thing. It will also keep them from fighting about it in the aftermath of your demise.   

This is my second rodeo under the unexpected conditions. Thankfully, my husband was an attorney though and through, and he made sure the details were covered. Edmond and I, because of his work and mine, talked about death and what-ifs often. Sometimes, we spoke humorously but always with an edge of truth. We spoke plainly and often about the world beyond our time in it.

Edmond had handled several other family members’ estates, and some were more clear than others. Some were messy, and some family members behaved badly. He had to weed through a lot of what was not apparent, and make decisions that caused him deep heartache and stress. He had some long, complicated conversations with difficult people trying to explain the legal aspects and reality of the situation.

So, because of his experience and my witness to it, we spoke quite plainly about our intentions and desires for each other should one of us die first. I knew where things were and what to do. It does not make grief less painful, but it makes some decisions and choices clear. There is a lot to be said for not leaving a mess as part of your legacy. He and I were/are determined to leave our loved ones without the confusion and disarray that compounds loss, and can destroy relationships.   

However, even when you have things covered on one end, the unfolding of death certificates and causes of death depend on other entities. We are legally alive until some government medical establishment says we are not. We have to wait on the overburdened medical system to determine the cause of death. We still don’t know why Edmond died. The reason will not bring him back, but for some of our children the reason matters. It matters because it matters, and surely, for his biological children it matters so they might know what part of his genetics lives within their bodies. 

Word on the street is that autopsy results these days may take up to six months. That means it might be fall before we know anything. I have heard this from those within the system and friends who had to wait that long for autopsy reports for their loved one. Waiting that long feels unreasonable.  

Being dead is a lot of paperwork. It is overwhelming and daunting trying to consider all that must be filed and done. As well, in many cases, some things cannot be pushed forward, like life insurance, until the cause of death is officially revealed. Banks often require death certificates even for joint accounts. A professional advised me to not tell any of our banks that he has died because some banks, even if it is a joint account, will freeze funds. Seriously! 

When someone dies unexpectedly, and they are organ donors, time is of the essence. If your loved one is an organ and tissue donor, be prepared to answer important questions shortly after their death. The call may take 1-2 hours, and it matters so that their organs and tissues can be repurposed to serve living people. This too is part of the legacy we leave, and it is up to some person who knows you to ensure it goes to plan.

Edmond died on a Tuesday afternoon, and I received a phone call at 3am Wednesday morning. I was not asleep, so the call did not wake me. And, the lovely, kind, gentle woman on the other end of the line was professional and caring. I answered questions about my husband’s medical history since childhood, travel history over his life time, and many other details about his regular activities during his 50 years on the planet.

I was amazed that I knew the answers to all her questions, including times in his life when we were not together. I knew where he had traveled from the stories he shared. I remembered the ride he and his dear friend and fellow attorney took in the back of a pick-up truck along side a bunch of chickens while traveling in Mexico. He loved Honduras, a lot. He had backpacking adventures in Europe with a friend when they were in their twenties. They ended up on a boat, leaving Greece I think, in freezing cold rain. Edmond had used a tiny airline blanket his dad had given him, and it was not helpful at all. I knew his illnesses, surgeries, and accidents, like the time he was accidentally stuck in the face with a baseball bat as a child. He had to have an additional surgery on his sinuses when he was full-grown. He had mono in college.

I stopped the woman about an hour into our call to tell her that answering these questions was strangely grounding. It was also confirming that I really did know my husband well. 

Talk to your people. Know their history before your paths crossed, not only because you might have to answer the organ donor call, but because our past is part of us. Talk about your feelings, intentions, and new understandings. Ask each other questions, hard questions that move each other from the staleness of old beliefs. Wish together, dream out loud about the legacy you hope to leave your children and loved ones. Tell the children, discuss it and open the conversation up in dialogue often. Sometimes, the family business is not their dream or desire. Involve those who will likely be here beyond your lifetime, and keep the intentions open for development by those who will hold the future in their hands. We would not want to burden them with some endeavor or assignment that is too specific and might not have a place in the future unknown. We probably do not want to charge our heirs with duties that were part of our lifetime and responsibility. Be careful what you ask of those you love. Take care of business while you can, and set them free to grieve and live with the best part of you in their heart.