Broken Systems 1.0

Almost a month out from his death, the reality of living in this capitalistic culture is already hitting hard. Apparently, one menstrual cycle and a 30-day payment period are all you get. After a spouse dies, this is when the U.S. economy shakes you and wakes you to what really matters here. Pay up. 

And, I am privileged. I can figure it out. I have more time and more resources than most people, and can ask for help. More people in similar circumstances cannot. I am writing this for them. My anger is real, and if I dig deeper, it emanates from a source that screams flames for those who don’t have a voice or resources. I rage for those who are crushed in debt or lose their home after losing the love of their life. I am not in danger of those things, but so many hurting and grieving people are.

I have been operating on autopilot and autopay. Lucky me, I have or had a line of credit. Our joint credit card was frozen sometime between Friday and Sunday. This is the card that pays all our bills automatically so we can pay it off all at once at the end of the month. I did not have to think about paying utility bills and other regular conveniences for the last many years and certainly not for the last 30 days while I have been a grieving puddle of anguish. I did not report his death, but somehow, they already knew the most personal, tragic thing that has ever happened to me: Edmond is dead.

What about privacy? What about my agency in the world? Is it my county, state, or country who disrespects me and my beloved? It should have come from me, and been my choice to tell them. I even tried to call and pay my bill over the phone. And, they cannot talk to me since I am not the primary account holder. They could not even say that our credit cars exist. Really. Frozen. 

The amount of curse words I could string together here would actually impress both my husband and father-in-law, and they could teach the class. I might even make them blush. 

I have had 6-7 hours of sleep four nights in a row, which is a huge accomplishment. Now, I have to go head first into financial bull-shit because being a spouse is not enough. Our official partnership, legal marriage counts for naught in these broken, inhumane systems we have invented. 

And, you credit card peeps don’t even have he respect and courtesy to call me directly? You know you froze the card. You know who was issued cards linked to that account. You have my name, number, and address.  

Because being the secondary on one of our accounts where he is primary puts me at the disadvantage. Because raising children and not being the primary money-maker for most of my adult life puts me in a less-than position to get credit. Because, in general, I am a caregiver, and I have to now work harder to prove I am worthy of my excellent credit score I had before my first marriage, during my first marriage, after I divorced,  as a single parent, and walking into this marriage. 

To be clear, Edmond and I used to flirt with each other over our credit scores. Our responsibility package was fucking sexy. If our ability to live within a budget was rated, we were XXX. 

Credit Card Company: You owe me. I do not owe you. You should have called. I mean electronic communication is pretty much the vibe now. Email. Text. Snail-mail. You have options. I should not have to find out I can no longer use the credit card because my payment is declined. I should not log onto my account (that is linked to his) and suddenly NOT see the line of credit available. I should be able to still pay my bill so I don’t have to worry about messing up my credit score or accumulating interest.

And, now, for what? These financial institutions do not honor marriage post-mortem. They shut it all down to bring burden on top of burden. The fuckers. It really is all about the Benjamins. 

My suggestion: Have your own bank account in your name only, and have your own line of credit in your name only. Not because you do not trust your partner, but to have just in case of situations like this one. Make this okay within a totally entangled, entirely loving, totally consensual, beautiful melding with your lover/partner. 

I am no better now, legally, in some ways, than when I divorced. Being a widow is a doubled edged sword. You benefit while you are alive in some ways, but the economy benefits more. You are in the deficit in others (especially if you are not the main contributor financially) in the partnership. 

This kind of brokenness is what Edmond worked to remedy. This economic system does not value families and partnerships. We have devolved into a culture that is lost to its own human value. Participating in some of the systems within this culture is an emotionally and spiritually expensive relationship. 

There very well could be a simple solution, and I will certainly let you know after I have cooled my jets long enough to call the credit company back.

I will, if I have a better choice even by a margin, decline to open a new line of credit with the bank who disrespected me and my partnership.

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A Thank You Note:

Thank you for all the beautiful comments, private messages, and live conversations. I love how much we are sharing both in resources and emotional connection. I apologize for not responding directly to comments, and I appreciate your understanding. I hear you. I see you. I read every single one. 

Today, I began seeing clients again for the first time since the afternoon of April 4, 2023. I was not sure how it would feel or go. It felt like there was no other place to be but in the sessions with my clients. It felt present and purposeful, and I felt able to hold space and listen. I am grateful for my first two clients today who also knew they could honestly address me in my grief and loss. Shared pain and both feet in is unfolding into the next version of this work.