Module Two
After a loss, we often find that others do not know what to say, say nothing, or say unhelpful things. Most of us have not been given the tools and information about grief to know how to adequately deal with loss.
What is False About Grief—It is not true that time heals all wounds. Replacing the loss, Grieving alone, Being strong for others, and Burying our feelings will NOT make the pain go away.
The Truth about grief is—Your feelings are normal and natural. We may have been socialized to believe that these feelings are abnormal and unnatural. We are NOT broken. We are hurting. We can let go of the pain by feeling it, moving through it with support and companionship.
Losses may include Death, Divorce or end of a relationship, Loss of a career, Loss of trust, Loss of faith, Loss of safety, or Loss of health.
Deciding to address your emotions in this difficult time of loss is an act of radical compassion and healing.
A Collective Imagination Problem
Being able to name the feeling helps us express the feelings of grief and loss. Often there are multiple and conflicting feelings related to a loss.
This is normal.
Self-care is an important part of our healing. Grief can consume us. It takes up a lot of space. We can ensure we can be present for ourselves when we practice acts of self-care. Making habit into ritual is an easy way to offer ourselves physical and emotional care. A cup of tea or glass of water, when we take it in with presence and awareness, is an act of self-care. Things we do each day, fix ourselves a meal, take a bath, lie down when we feel tired—tending to our physical wellbeing allows us to offer ourselves compassion and to tune into what our bodies are telling us with regard to our needs.
Our bodies do not lie, and we know what we feel even if it takes a little while to name it. Knowing what we feel and how it is related to what we have observed, allows us to begin to recognize our own unmet needs. When we have that information, we can take steps toward having our needs met. This is an important element of our self-care. At times, we all may need help 1) naming the feeling, 2) identifying the unmet need, and 3) making a request that will help meet our need.
“When I am by myself for too long, I feel lonely because being near others who offer me physical affection is important to me. Can I please have a hug?”
Emotions are Complex
Our modern paradigm does not accommodate or tolerate discomfort and uncertainty long enough to allow new potentials to emerge. We dip our toe in the waters of the liminal destruction, and externalize the cause of the pain. In this way, we bypass the liminal state of change never truly arriving in a new place. We blame and shame to avoid the discombobulating and disorienting liminal territory. We often do not have sufficient capacity or support to tolerate discomfort and remain in the destruction of the liminal state long enough to also hold creation, the paradox.
Human beings have a remarkable gift of physically and emotionally taking in both the world around us and within us. Our bodies respond with sensations, emotions, and feelings to what we observe through our senses. This is true always—even if it is outside of our awareness, even when we feel numb or are not present to the moment.
Our bodies give us information, and we can trust what we feel. “When I see the sunshine, I feel good.”
Connection is Healing. Speaking to that feeling, expressing it in some way and having that received and witnessed by another human creates connection. Especially when we are grieving, those connections matter and offer healing, relief, and understanding.
Find an object of interest. Focus on that object’s physical qualities: color, shape, size, texture. Begin to focus intently on one of those physical qualities. Notice what feeling arises (comfortable, uncomfortable, pleasurable, not pleasurable). Notice where that feeling comes from within the physical body.
When I see the deep red of the rose petal, I feel content in my chest.
I hear you: If others are witnessing, there is a connection of being heard. If you are doing this practice on your own, notice the experience of witnessing yourself.
When our expression is witnessed or received, we know that we are not alone or isolated. Connection is the healing component to our pain and isolation. This practice allows us to be fully present in our bodies to support our own healing.
When I See, I Feel
Module Two
Reading and Reflections
Read from your chosen book, underline and make notes as you read. Perhaps underlining sentences that 1) resonate deeply with you, 2) offer a new concept or idea, or 3) you do not agree with entirely. Make notes in the margins or journal for our discussion. You may or may not agree with everything in the book, and that is okay. Your reflections and notations will be part of the continuing conversation of your experience of transformation through loss.
Journaling
1) Choose one or more of your annotations to write about and reflect upon in your journal.
2) Reflect and journal: What behaviors do you observe in yourself that avoid difficult emotions or feelings? What kind of self-talk happens when you experience avoiding difficult emotions? What self-talk happens when you feel dark emotions? Where do these emotions sit in your body?
3) Continue to journal about anything that shows up for you that feels significant. Notice the patterns of your life or the emerging patterns, and make notes about these and anything else that feels emotionally important. The act of noticing is powerful in the transformative process. These notes may be helpful to you as this work deepens.
Ritual Action: REflect on Ritual Space and Garner a Circle of Support
When you come into this space to do your work for the module, begin or open the space in a particular way that acknowledges your support and intentions. How is your ritual space developing? What does it feel like when you are there? Consider your most trusted relationships, including friendships and family members. What relationships, communities, belief systems, or creative outlets support you? (Spending time in nature, mediation, or prayer; places of community such as church, academic or artistic communities; belief systems or regular creative activities.)
Make notes about who or what holds a circle of support for you. Find objects that hold deep meaning and reflect these resources and support systems. Place them on your altar.
Practices: When i see, i Feel, Identifying needs, Breath As Blessing
This is a link to NVC’s needs, feelings, and statement practice. These may be useful as you begin to determine your needs and feelings, particularly those unmet needs and difficult feelings. Boundaries are an important part of our self-care. Exploring our own needs and feelings around unmet needs leads us toward a better relationship with self and others. Healthy boundaries are in everyone’s best interest, and in service to ourselves and others.
Identifying our needs is a great way to get clear about what is ours and what is not ours, and notice the balance or imbalance of the boundaries we have in our life and relationships.
When I See, I Feel: This practice is something you can do during your day. I encourage you to step into nature and pick up/touch a leaf, rock, stick, or any object of nature. As you make physical contact, you can follow the formula of: When I see _______, I feel ______. You are welcome to share these discoveries with me also via text. The audio version of this practice is in Module One.
The meaning is the experience: seeing and feeling. Resist the urge to leave your state of presence to tell a story or memory. Keep this practice simple, even using simple feeling words like good, bad, happy, sad. Whatever shows up and wherever you feel it in your body, trust it.
Breath as Blessing is in an audio recording below. After you do the image a few times, you may not require the audio. Trust whatever images appear, and notice how it feels in your body. You are invited to share your image in writing (in the present tense), in person, or in a recording with me so that I can see it and feel it with you.
OM: You may also want to try Om Chanting at 432Hz by Meditative Mind. The button below will take you to the Spotify link. It can be helpful to use in the background while working, waking, or falling asleep. You can just listen or you can join the chanting. It may even be something you choose to have playing in your ritual space while you do your reading and writing for each module. When you are feeling scattered or frenetic, the Om chant is especially grounding and settling to your system.
