Love Your Heart

On the last day of our first date…yes, you read that correctly, our first date was three days long. It was epic, but that is not the point of this story. That is another (really good) story for another time.

On the last day of our first date, Edmond and I were already smitten and enamored with each other. We did not want to say goodbye. He said something to me that captured the essence of what we were to become for each other. Maybe it is always who we were to each other, but in this moment we both became aware of it, and he had the words to name it. 

He looked at me as we continued to hesitate in our parting and said, “I love your heart.” It was overwhelming to hear and feel his words land. He already loved my heart. I loved his too, but I fall easily. He did not. I also already knew this about him, that these words he spoke were careful and thoughtful. 

He was an extraordinarily thoughtful human in almost every way. He never wanted to cause harm or make a mistake if it was preventable with research and learning.

When it was time to purchase a new television, coffee maker, appliance, or car, the amount of market and consumer research he conducted was exceptional. We spent the entire pregnancy with William hunting down a flat screen television worthy of our purchase. On the way to dinner in Austin with a group of friends, we actually stopped, all of us, by an electronic store to look at a specific television model. I was not all that engaged in the research, even though he included me, and mostly just tagged along on these hunts completely trusting whatever decision Edmond eventually made. 

When we purchased a new coffee maker, and coffee is near the top in terms of importance, he would tell me more than I ever wanted to know or could contain in my mind about fabulous and precise coffee makers. This amused me and impressed me and sometimes, exhausted me. 

We still have the last coffee maker we purchased circa 2010, a Technivorm Moccamaster, and it still works like a charm. For those of you who care, the two things I remember about this coffee maker are that it is a Dutch product and is made by hand. The Technivorm moved into my studio/office when it was replaced by the Aeropress. 

The man was relentless in his product research, and research in general. He loved proof he could point to when making a choice, decision, or claim. It is part of what made him an ingenious and respected attorney.

This research, logical decision-making part of him was hard for me at times. Not in the instances when it was an appliance, although, I did run out of energy to keep hunting for the right television. It was hard for me when I knew intuitively what was needed or what I wanted. It was hard when I was ready for more, and he was not because he did not know enough information yet. 

His thoughtfulness and research often meant I had to wait for him to make a decision, and this meant relationship and decisions of the heart, too. He needed to know everything there was to know before he was comfortable with his choice. This was likely as self-protective as it was protective of me and the three children, who came with me as part of the package, and who he eventually helped raise.

There was a particular conversation we had or continued to have for a long time. He would logically take me through his thought process that allowed him to arrive at his decision. I would hear him, put my hand on his chest, and ask him to please now tell me all of that again but from his heart this time. This was our struggle, both ways. 

I would often emote and conclude regarding some complex or complicated situation that needed attention. He would stand and stare in confusion about how I had arrived at a decision or knowing, not having heard me share any facts or figures. We would sometimes argue it from different realms getting nowhere. 

I tend to be a risk-taker, not always looking before I leap. It usually turns out okay, and most of the time it is the adventure I need. My chances are not life threatening nor do they put anyone in harms way. Edmond was more judicious, prudent, and diligent. Again, all the reasons he was such a brilliant legal mind and such a grounded, steady partner. 

About a year into our relationship, I was already swimming in the deep end, and he had one toe in the water. Meaning, I was ready to act in any number of ways, seeing all kinds of possibilities for us. He was having all the feelings but not necessarily always ready to make a big decision unable to see clearly which possibility of our lives together would be best. 

We referenced this metaphor of our existence together often, me in the water and him on the land. We both knew where we swam and stood. It wasn’t because our relationship was more to me than it was to him. It was more likely that he took what we had to heart. He was cautious out of respect for what we had and what it might become. I did not doubt his love and commitment. And he knew I was not casual in my love for him. Sometimes, he just wasn’t ready to make big moves when I was. Our timing on big decisions was not always aligned.

Both of us were ready to leave our current residences, and reside in the same home or at least closer to each other. We began looking at houses together. There was some back and forth and stagnation during this process of imagining our lives together. The looking and wandering thorough floor plans was informing us both. No, he could not live in a house where the dining room was called a third bedroom and that also opened up into the master bedroom. He had standards, and he was right. We looked for a place together for about three months. We did not find it. And, I was on a time line because I needed a place to live with my kids before school started. So, two years after we began our relationship, I bought a house for my children and I. It is the same house we are still in, and it eventually became our house with some remodels and additions over the years. 

It was hardly ever a gauntlet moment between us when I was ready to act and he was not. There were some hurt feelings, and we talked it through to understand each other better. Neither of us wanted to push the other or hold the other back. We understood the outcomes of our life together might look different because we had different time lines and requirements for decision-making. And, we loved each other’s heart. 

We were an enigma to each other.

And, I loved his heart and he loved mine. 

Engraved on inside of my ring that he gave me half way through our marriage are the words, “Love Your Heart”. There was limited space, only enough room for ten characters including spaces that did not allow for the eleventh letter “I”. The phrase he first uttered, “I love your heart”, that last day of our first date, had become more than our original understanding when “Love Your Heart” was etched into the platinum. Those three words are instructional to me as well as an expression of his love for me.