Feel It or Fix It
Several years ago, our friend shared an invaluable wisdom with me. He told me that when he arrived home at the end of his day, he and his wife shared the highs and lows of their day. His wife was the full-time, stay-at-home parent for their three young boys.
For those of you who don’t know, being a parent at home for all or most of each day can be a lonely existence. Having been in this privileged yet isolating position for most of my 28 years of parenting five children, I can attest to the fact that we often do not have other adult contact for days on end other than our partner, if we have one.
Our friend began to recognize that he often responded with an immediate fix to his wife’s sharing of the challenging moments or issues. He wanted to fix or make better whatever was hard or stressful. He is a very kind and compassionate man who loves his partner. It came to his attention that perhaps she did not want him to fix what was difficult, but to listen and witness from a place of presence. Being an intelligent man who wanted to do better, at the end of their day, as the two sat down to have a meaningful exchange, he asked her, “Would you like for me to feel it or fix it?” In this way, he could respond to her in a way that she needed.
I loved this so much. It is such simple way to position ourselves to listen to others fully, and from the angle that matters. I have worked with this Feel It or Fix It practice and encouraged my clients to do so as well. A variation on this practicing has also unfolded.
I will often need to process an idea or situation that I am working out. I need a witness; it just helps. So, in those instances when I am already clear, I will let the listener know that I want to share something and at this time I am not open to suggestions. Or, I will let the listener know that I want to share something, and I would like their input. It really helps to set that boundary ahead of time and everyone’s expectations. It is also another Edmond Blessing in my life, learning to have clear communication around boundaries.
Fixing is not bad. I do really love people who can fix what I cannot or do not want to fix myself. However, so much of what Edmond did so easily and well is now on my learning curve. I removed the shower drain and cleared the hair trap the other day. It was fast, and not so terrible, and he always did it (joyfully sometimes).
I replaced batteries on our office alarm keypad, a flashlight, and the mini-split AC controller. These are things I never thought about doing for the last nineteen years. In fact, I just felt like it happened magically, that drains suddenly cleared up one day, or that batteries and bulbs lasted a really, really long time.
I have two lightbulbs that still need to be replaced.
People these days, out of the generosity, love, and kindness of their hearts, ask me what they can do. They admittedly know full-well that there is no fix for this situation, but they want to do something, anything to make it bearable, better, or less uncomfortable for us.
I have had some specific requests, and I will definitely have more. Thank goodness I know someone who knows something I don’t in practically every category. I know a lot of good people with skills-sets that they are willing to share. For that, I am and my future self is grateful.
So, in short, yes, think of me/us. Tell us you love us. When we see each other by happenstance or on purpose, make contact. It keeps us in the world of the living. And, in the meantime, while things are waiting to break around our house, I had some other ideas.
Edmond stood for so many good things. He was so good as so many good things. He was the most intelligent human I have ever known and who used it for meaningful good. In the interim, while you continue to feel it with us and the fix-its have not yet become an opportunity, the things we can all do to continue to honor Edmond and spread his good work include:
Befriend a dog
Learn a new word
Tell the truth in a kind way
Hear the truth when it is told, be willing to be self-reflective
If you have done wrong or hurt another, own your part fully
Advocate for a vulnerable person
Write a letter by hand
Say a curse word when it matters
Read and quote poetry
Do something the old-school way
Be concerned with details
Consider the reverse of any situation, or the other person’s position
Read a beautiful book, and then share the book with another person
Follow a complicated recipe for a delicious meal, and eat it with someone you love
Run, walk, lift weights, use your body and feel its strength building
Make a date out of something that would otherwise just be an errand
Try something new or learn something new
Drink fine wine slowly, often, with friends
Spend intentional time with others you know or want to know better
Read out loud to others (not only children, but friends, lovers, partners)
Work hard and do your best at anything you attempt
Rest, relax, find time for just BEING (hammock time)
Be outside in nature and listen
Be quiet, listen with your heart